“There Is a Man… he Wants to Be Friends with You”

by Sahil

 

An Introductory Comment by Andrew Calimach:

It is a curious feeling of relief to present this latest story from the Punjab. That relief comes from the relative absence of the worst impulses that human beings are subject to, and the lack of the typical tortures and inflicted agonies that so many of these men and boys are subjected to. Indeed, it would not be wrong to say that this collection of stories depicts an assortment of perversions, none of them sexual. Against that background, this story stands out as a tale of simple joy and suffering, the kind of joy and suffering that are simply the lot of anyone who is in love, and that are inevitable in the sense that every meeting implies a parting.

Andrew Calimach, Ed. Bucharest, February 21, 2025

  Sahil's Story

My name is Sahil, born and living in Punjab, Pakistan. I am now 18 years old, now when I am writing. I am officially an adult, a man who has his own identity card. Now I think I am not a boy anymore. I as an adult live with my elder brother. My other brothers are married and they have their own houses. Me and my younger brother live with one brother, while my parents live in a different house but these houses share the same roof. My father is an old man with a long white beard, my mother is also old. We are many brothers and sisters. For many years as I remember we did not have a good financial condition but now things are a bit different as my brothers have started working and things have changed. With such a crowd we were never taken great care of. I don’t mean that in a bad way but we were mostly very independent.

By ethnicity I am a Siraiki. Our community is often associated with bacha bazi practice. I have heard many comments from other people that, “Look, the bacha baz is here,” “Londay baaz Siraiki,” and “Ohh, look at these Gandus, Hum jins parast Siraikis.” These were the most common comments we would get from other people. Honestly speaking, I was completely unaware of this thing. By the age of 10 I started noticing such comments. Initially I was confused and I asked my older brother one day, “Aslam, I want to ask about something.” He replied, “Go on, what do you want to ask?” I innocently replied, “Aslam Bhai, what is bacha bazi and londay baaz?”

He was shocked and quickly covered my mouth to quiet me and said, “Nonsense, Idiot, what are you saying? Are you mad, there are ladies in our house, how can you say that?” I replied, “I am sorry, I swear I did not know what it is.” He replied, “So where did you learn these words?” I in fear said, “I heard the neighbour boys saying these words to one of our cousins.” He said, “Ok, just forget it, nothing important, just forget that word and don’t say it in front of anyone.” At the time I agreed that I would never use that word again but a 10 year boy cannot forget a word and does not stop asking.

I started getting my answers from boys, boys like me, but older than me. I remember one day when I went in the streets there were some boys in a circle. When I reached there I heard Razi speaking about it, which I understood quite a bit later, but he was saying, “That is the best, you know. He gives me gifts, takes me out in his car, and he told me not to tell anyone about it.” I stood in the circle behind one boy, listening. Someone said, “Don’t lie, why would he do that?” He replied, “Oh you foolish, because we are friends, and if you don’t believe me, look, he gave me these Rupees.” He took out some rupees from his pocket and showed them to everyone as proof that his lover takes him out and gives gifts to him.

He was innocent. He was sharing his love life with everyone and he told everyone to swear that they will not say anything. Now I feel pity for that poor boy, who became famous in the locality for being a man lover. What did he know that if he was not able to keep his secrets then no one else would have been? Anyways, that is another story, but for me that was the second interaction. I felt that I too should have a friend who would give me all that care and attention. It was greed, but I never knew where that wish and deep need for love would take me. For a long time I did not have any luck but it remained in my subconscious. During that time I understood what it was.

When I was 13 I started getting attention from older boys and men. The first incident was when an older boy said that he would buy me a bottle of Sting if I went with him to the barren land. I asked why, he said that I would know when we got there. At that time we were very afraid of being abducted because that was what we were told at our home.

I told him not to follow me or I will tell my parents. He said sorry and went away and never followed me again. Then gradually I started making friends, older friends in particular, who were mutual friends of my friends. I met them once or twice. One day my friend Shehzad came to meet me, he called me out of my house.

When I went out he said, “Hi, Sahil, how are you?” I was confused because this happens rarely, why today? Confused, I said, “I am good, how are you? You … here?” He smiled and said, “I was passing by and I thought I should say Hi.” I smiled and we both stood there quietly. I asked him, “Come inside.” He replied, “No… Sahil, I have to go. Actually, Hmm… I have a message for you.” I listened and he said, “Do you remember meeting Majid?” I tried to remember but I could not remember. I knew them by face but I didn’t know their names. I said, “I don’t remember actually… What is the message?” He said, “Ok, Sahil don’t tell me anything. I have no role in this. If something happens, I am not responsible.” I said, “Ok, ok, I will not, just tell me what it is.”

He said, hesitating, “There is a man, a friend of my friend, and he has told my friend that he likes you and he wants to be friends with you.” I was shocked. I said, “Who told you this?” He replied, “I have nothing to do with it. I was told to tell you, I did it.” I remained quiet, not understanding at all what was happening. I was a greedy boy, to be honest. Now when someone has told me that I was being adored it became a burden on my mind. After remaining quiet for some time he said, “So, what do you say?” I came to my senses and said, “About what?” He replied, “What I just told you.” I was confused. I scratched my head and said, “Nothing, what should I say?” He laughed and said, “If you like it, say yes, if you don’t, say no, what is the big deal?” I replied, “I don’t understand anything, I have not seen him, what should I say?” I could not provide a clear answer to what he just told me.

After a couple of days, when we were passing by, Shehzad suddenly started shaking my arm, “What is the problem, Shehzad?” I said. He whispered, saying, “Don’t turn this instant, look secretly, that man sitting on the bike is Majid.” My heart felt a shock and I froze. I quickly said, “Let's go, Shehzad.” He held me back and said, “Just look, maybe you like him.” I agreed, we both were walking and I was secretly looking at him. His face was familiar, as we had met earlier, but I felt a difference, that when we did not know each other I felt different, and when now I was looking at him he was different. He had long hair, a well trimmed beard, and a well built body. His color was dark but a shade of attractive dark. He did not notice us as he was in a deep  conversation with a friend.

I kept looking at him until Shehzad asked, “What do you think?” I retrieved my senses and looked at him and smiled, “About what?” I said. He said, “Majid, what else?” I wanted to stay serious but I could not help hiding my smile. Shehzad said, “What, are you advertising toothpaste? Why are you showing your teeth?” I said, “Nothing, what happened?” He said , “Do you like him?” I could not lie, I said, “Hmm, he is attractive.” Shehzad started laughing and said, “Yes?”

I smiled and nodded. He knew what my answer was. He told me that he would tell his friend that I was too shy to agree and I was too smart to refuse him. He teased me till we reached my house and then he went away.

The first time I met him was not planned by me but by him. Shehzad told his friend about my view and they knew I agreed. I was out on the street, I saw a bike approaching. As he got closer I noticed that it was Majid. Before I could run, as I was shy, Majid reached me and said, “Sahil!” I was pretending to be normal but deep down in my heart there was shyness and it was beating very fast. Maybe my color changed as well. When I greeted him we shook hands and he did not let go. He said, “Did you recognize me?” I could not speak but I just nodded with a smile. “Good, you recognized me, how are you? Where are you going?” I replied, “Fine… nowhere.” I could say no more. With a beautiful smile he looked at me and said, “Are you feeling shy?” I shyly said, “No.” He smiled and said, “It is clearly on your face.”

He was still holding my hand, I was pulling my hand and he said, “Don’t be afraid, don't worry I will not hurt you.” I said in a low voice, “Let go of my hand.” He smiled and said, “Ok, I will, but don’t feel shy and afraid.” I smiled and he let go of my hand. I stood there constantly looking at him, looking away and then again looking at him. He said, “Come sit on the bike, I will take you somewhere.” I politely said, “No, I have to go somewhere.” He said , “Where?” And he added up and said, “Ok, fine, we will go some other day, alright?” and he caressed my head and said,”My dear, you are so beautiful, and don’t worry, I am a good man. Don’t be uncomfortable, meet me when you want. Allah hafiz.” He said that and I slowly walked away. I don’t know why but I looked back at him. He stood there and he was smiling. My heart raced, I was in a strange peace, when he caressed my hair and he talked to me. I could not help but look at him. Such a nice, soft spoken man he was, but I was not in a good shape. It was the first time he touched me and that feeling is indescribable. I had no idea but I was in love. It was love, that shyness, the fear, the beating of heart of the fear and happiness of being close, but whatever it was, it was beautiful. That was when I first met him. I saw him for some more times, slowly the shyness and fear fading away.

It was just a matter of time until I got close to him. In a month or a bit more the shyness completely faded among us and boldness and closeness took over shyness. In the first month he was very possessive but still he gave me space to be easy and comfortable. One day he picked me up from the street on his bike and started riding. He was driving and I was holding him around his waist, saying, “Where are we going, Majid?” I said it out loud because the wind was making me inaudible. He said, “Are you afraid of me? Am I riding too fast?” I replied, “No, that is not the problem, tell me, where are we going?” He replied, “To wander. Were you busy? Sorry I did not ask that before.” I replied, “No, I was not…Where are you taking me?” He joked and said, “Away from the world.”

I knew that he was giving me a surprise and he was not going to tell me. After 30 minutes he took a dirt track and rode up the rough track of the hill. We reached a very beautiful place. It was green and had a small lake. “Why are we here?” I asked. He said, “You worry too much, look, just a beautiful place to sit and look at the city just having fun.” I replied, “It is a beautiful place. I have never come here, it is so close to the city.” He laughed and hugged me and said, “You just met Majid, and he will show you amazing things.” I smiled and said, “Why are you praising yourself?” He laughed and said, “That is my job, to praise myself and to praise you.” He hugged me and kissed me on my forehead. I felt weak, happy, loved, and different. I don’t know why, but his arms around me gave me happiness and security. I calmly hugged him and stayed with him in that beautiful place for a while and then we went back.

He was a very caring person. I remember that on an Eid he gifted me clothes. He took me to the market and told me to choose whatever I wanted. He bought me a pair of leather shoes, a waistcoat and a shalwar kameez. It was hard to hide it from my family, so I took money from my father and brought home the gift of Majid as if I had bought it. He cared for me so much that one day he fought with another boy for me. They bullied me and he fought for me. The boys threatened him that they would beat him or do something worse to him but he did not stop. He argued with them; they even held him by his collar but he stood firm against them. I was afraid and I was crying that those idiots may hit him but people from the surrounding area sorted it out. He was a hero in my eyes, I loved the way he always got the chance and kissed me, hugged me, and pulled me closer.

During our time together we did not get involved in love making, the most we did was we kissed and we hugged but we never went farther than that. We tried multiple times but as a boy I was always afraid of being sexual because I was always worried that if we are caught anything can happen. Our world has become so small that all the time someone is watching.

One day in the forest we were sitting together, one thing led to another, our arms were touching, and then he started touching me. I was looking at him, shyly smiling. He started fixing my hair and then he held my cheeks and said, “Look how sweet you are looking now.” I replied, “Was I not looking sweet before this?” He smiled and said, “I mean you look cuter now. I want to kiss you as I look at you.” I did not say anything. He kissed me on my face and then he touched my lips and came closer and placed his lips on mine. I said, “Stop, Majid, your mustache is poking my face.” He parted his lips and said, “That is nothing, what if something else poked you?” I backed off and said, “No, Majid, don’t even think of it. I know your intentions.” He replied, “What are my intentions?” I replied, “That thing everyone wants, but I am not a boy like that.” He replied, “I am not a man like that either.” And he slid his hand on my rear. I said, “Look, here you are doing it again.” He pulled his hand away and started to act as he was doing me. Our clothes were still on but he was just acting. I rolled myself away and I said, “Majid, if you do that again, I swear I will leave and I will not talk to you!” He replied, “Why Sahil? What happened?” I replied, “We are in a garden and someone will come.” Trying to convince me, he said “No one will come, believe me, no one comes here usually,” but I was too afraid to get caught and seen so I did not let him.

I said, “I am afraid.” Majid replied, “Afraid of what? Afraid of me?” I replied, “Majid, you know how dangerous it is even for me to be seen with you. You know I can get kicked out from my home if anyone knew. I am not afraid of you, why do you think I am afraid?” He replied, “I don’t know, you will know the answer, and OK, I understand completely. Don’t worry, I will not hurt you and cause damage. I love you my dear.” And with a smile I hugged him and he said, “Can I kiss you?” I replied, “No, not even kissing, you know your mustache makes me feel itchy.” He took a deep breath and with a smile he said, “Ohh God, no, please don't tell me now that I have to trim my mustache for kissing.” I raised my eyebrows and said, “Yes, you have to.” He pulled me closer and said, “My mustache makes you itchy, right?” and he started rubbing his face on mine and we both started laughing.

One day he insisted that we should do it. He held his trouser tight on his leg and said, “Sahil, would you let me do it? Look at me, how hard I am.” I replied, “I am not looking at anything.” I secretly looked, he was really very hard. He pulled my hand and placed it over his pants and I pulled my hand back and said, “It is hard but I am not going to do anything.” He smiled and said, “Why not? What if I forced you?” I replied, “You know I will scream, or I will never talk to you again.” He said, “No, I won't…. Ok, just let me touch your rear once.” I said no. He said, “Just once.” I remained quiet and he put his hand on my butt and started moving his hands around.

To be honest, it was not a sensation I did not enjoy. I had a desire to do what he was offering but my society had made me so afraid that I could not even express my desires, and I could not do what I wanted. I was not completely emotionless, his hands in my pants felt great, honestly they did, but for me it was not important what I felt but instead it was important what my society felt. I was enjoying it as he tried to put his finger inside me. I closed my eyes and tried to confine my pain expression in my voice. I said “Take it out, it is hurting.” He pulled back his hand and held me, “Sorry Sahil, I am sorry I did not know you will get hurt.” I angrily said, “Look at your big hand and look at me.” He said, “I am really sorry Sahil, don’t get angry.”

He hugged me and kissed me with love and said, “I will not do it unless you allow me to,” but the place, my society, and my fear was always a major issue in my life. It will be the biggest lie if I say I was not interested in sexual acts. I was at the peak of my feelings at that time, to be honest. I remember stripping off my clothes and trying to satisfy myself with my hand. I know my fingers and hand have been very helpful. I was always happy to be sexually satisfied but I was afraid of my society. When alone in my room I would be the real me. I used my hand to please myself with the door locked, the windows covered, and I could touch myself anyway I wanted, but in my mind there was always Majid. I made believe as if Majid did that to me and, believe me, the fantasies I had were very fun because I could see Majid as I wanted and I could make him do anything I liked to me in my mind, but reality was different.

We lived together for 8 months, the most precious and beautiful time of my life. One day I met him as usual, happily, with lots of energy as usual. I went directly and sat near him with a big smile. I pulled his mobile from his pocket and started taking selfies. He was quiet and I started teasing him to lighten up his mood. But I could see no smile on his face. I asked, “What happened, Majid? Am I bothering you? Is everything fine? Are you bored of me?” He replied, “No, Sahil, everything is fine.” I insisted, “No it is not, you are not even smiling. You greeted me and now you are quiet.” He replied, “No, nothing to worry about, just a minor headache.” I replied, “Should I rub it for you?” He said, “No, sit down here.” I gave him his phone and sat near him. He was confused and he was frustrated, he said, “Should I tell you? Will you be angry?” I replied, “Tell me please, no, I will stay quiet.”

He replied, “Promise?” I agreed and he said, “You know Sahil, my parents have engaged me to our relative.” I replied, “What? Are you serious? How can they just engage you? What about me?” I hardly said the last sentence and started crying. He tried to hug me and I pushed him away saying, “Don’t touch me, what do you mean you are getting engaged?” and I started punching him. He held my arm tight. I could not believe my ears, that the man I loved was being snatched, and by a woman.

I was completely out of my mind. I had become so close to him that my mind was not accepting to leave him or share him. “Sahil, you promised you would understand,” Majid said.

But what could a 14 year old boy understand? I was not using my mind, but my emotions were speaking. I was still trying to punch him, I could not believe that he was going away from me. He said, “Sahil, try to understand, my parents are old now, after my sister's marriage there is no one to take care of them.” I replied, “I don’t want to listen to you, or any excuse!” He hugged me tight and said, “I am not going to leave you, I am with you always as I am now.” I replied, “I don’t want you, don’t talk to me.”

I angrily walked away crying. I had a strange pain and agony in my chest. I wept and went home. I did not eat and slept well for some time and I ignored him too. I did not talk to him. But the heart is the heart, it is not easy to just leave someone we love. I could not live without him, I went back to him again crying. Within some time he was married and the intensity faded. Gradually pushing me away, I was out of his life.

He was so involved in his family life that he could not make time for me. Or maybe I was jealous and I could not understand him. With the emergence of his wife in his life everything changed in no time. For the first few days I cried a lot. I even went outside his house but I did not see him, then slowly, slowly I got busy and I got used to being without him. I slowly forgot him and he was so entangled between family and love that even he could not free himself.

+++++

 

“The Silenced Boys Speak Out”

a survey for the participants of the project

“CHILDREN SPEAKING TRUTH TO LIARS:

Modern Bacha Bazi Culture Through the Eyes of the Boys”

Dear friend, thank you for your generosity and your courage, in revealing to the world your love, your suffering, and your wisdom. I have been humbled and amazed by every story, and by every boy who has told of his joy and his pain.

But many people, in the West as well as in the East, will have a hard time accepting the truth that you express in your testimonial. It would be helpful if you could reflect on your experience by answering the questions below. Think of it as an interview.

Thank you again, to all of you. You have taught me more than you can imagine, and you have set my heart and my mind free in all kinds of ways. And you have shown to the whole world the beauty and power of natural man, freed from the bonds of fear and blind obedience.

Andrew Calimach, Ed. February 20, 2025

  1.  Sahil, what moved you to take part in this project?

I was moved because I saw someone trying to listen to me, convey my message to the world. I was never able to talk to anyone around me but now I had an option, and it feels like I have written my story on a piece of paper and sealed it in a bottle and thrown it into the sea – I don’t know who will find it, but I am hopeful that it will reach someone who needs it.

  4. Was it difficult for you to share your story, and if so, why? 

For me it is like making my secret into a banner and pasting it on a billboard. My society is not an open-minded society. Talking about these things is a way to fall in a hole of judgement .

  3. Now that you have written your story, can you talk about any second thoughts you may have? 

Yes, I have second thoughts. Like, what if it makes things worse? Or if it brings shame on me? But then I think, maybe it will someday help someone? Or make a boy feel less alone? All this thinking sometimes made me stop and start writing again.

  4. Before writing your story, did you talk to anyone about your experiences?

Never. Who would I talk to? My brothers? They will kill me. My parents? They will kill themselves out of shame.

  5. If you were not able to talk to anyone, how did that make you feel?

Like I was living inside a pressure cooker. My feelings and my secrets, boiling inside me, and none to whom to tell them all. It is lonely, very lonely. I felt like I was a curse to society.

 6.  How has writing the story of your love for an older man changed the way you feel about yourself?

For me it is just like taking out my old photo and looking at it – I know the person in the photo, but they feel very different, I think it’s not me, it's someone else. I was so young, so hard on myself. I understand now that I was searching for something, for love, for acceptance.

 7. How has being able to tell others about your secret love made a difference in your life?

I have not told everyone. But sharing it with someone... it's like taking a deep breath after holding it in for years. It will never fix everything, but I feel... lighter.

  8. How has it affected the way you see the society you live in?

I have seen my society again and I realize how messed up things are. People are judging boys, and quickly adding labels of bad things to them. After that not even a single person sees the boy, they just see the label that has been forced and added to them. It is like everyone is playing a fake role, and if anyone steps out of line, he is the worst boy.

  9. What result would you like this project to have in your own land and elsewhere?

I am not expecting magic. But maybe my story along with my emotions and sufferings can make someone think twice before they start judging. I just want people to look at the boy, not the label added to him. I know it is not easy,but it is not impossible.

10. What were and are the benefits of your relationship with your lover ?

At the time? It felt like everything. Like someone finally saw me, and loved me. It was exciting, it was happy. Now? Different. There are good memories, sure, but also a lot of pain.

What are the drawbacks or harms that you have experienced as a result of that relationship?

Heartbreak, It also made me realize how weak I am , how easily I could be hurt.

  11. Once you are settled down and making a decent income, will you look for a wife and raise a family?

Yeah, probably. I want kids someday. I want to raise a family.

  12. How do you see change in love and way of loving, after the introduction of mobile phones/Internet in your society?

Easier for rumors and bad things to spread. Relationships are more... weak, maybe? It's very easy to move to the next person, or cheat him.

  13. How is the term “bacha bazi” generally used, from what you have heard personally?

It is a shame and a disgusting thing for my society. It is used to shame and humiliate people. For people it is hate, or maybe a joke.

  14. What is bacha bazi, in your opinion?

It's very hard to say. There are different kinds of situations. Some are very abusive, bad, and rape. Others are... more complicated, like mine. A mixture of sadness and happiness. I don’t know how to describe it, but I think from my experience a good start with a bad ending.

  15. If you have something to say about this project, please do so.

Thanks for listening. It means more than you know.

  16. If you have a message to the world, you may write it here.

Try to be a little kinder. Everyone's fighting his own battle and war, we all feel his problem is a joke and someone feels that about me, but in reality we all are dealing with what we are not able to.

  17. If you wish, you may add here anything else that you feel needs to be said, long or short.

Still growing, still learning. I am just getting older, I have a lot to see and to experience, and this story is a part of the journey I am on. It defines me, it is my truth but that is not all, I feel it is an important part of who I am.