Growing Up As Me

 

These two autobiographical accounts are taken from a section of a blog by Timmy James entitled "Growing Up As Me." "Doctor Thibodeau" is about a loving, non-sexual encounter between a boy and a man. "Hank" is about Timmy's first sexual experience with another boy. Many other interesting vignettes on a variety of matters can be found on the site, which can be accessed here.

Doctor Thibodeau

Shortly after my big freak-out at school, it was suggested to my  parents that I see a child psychologist. I'm not sure who from the school suggested it, but they must have been quite convincing for my parents to agree. I remember my dad mentioning to me that the school wanted me to see somebody. It would be a weekly thing for awhile. I thought the idea of it would be fun. His name was Doctor Thibodeau. When I was introduced to him, I liked him immediately. He was a very nice, partially grey-haired man  who had a wonderfully inviting personality. Like Mr. Rogers, only slightly more cool. His office was modern looking, and I felt important to be there. During that first visit it seemed like we hardly did much at all. I just told him about my friends and what I liked to do. He didn't really ask me much else.

The next few visits Doctor Thibodeau played catch with me outside, let me make something out of clay.  I choose to make a tree house in a tree while we made small talk, and played a few games such as shapes on cards. When I finished the tree house, he took my picture with it and gave it to me. It was funny to me because he didn't seem like a psychologist. He just seemed like a friend. I loved going to see him, I don't even know quite why, I just did.

My mom mentioned to me that I was talking too much about him around the house and was making my dad a little bit jealous. So I laid off on talking about him around my dad.

I saw Doctor Thibodeau once a week for about a  year. After seeing me for a few  months, he came to the conclusion that I was a  perfectly normal kid, and he told my parents this. He was about to criticize the school  district for thinking otherwise. But I knew that I was normal with him only because I felt comfortable around him, and I told him that. I think that one little statement kept the appointments going on.

The sessions went about the same as before: it just  seemed to me like I had an adult friend who simply liked me,  but every now and then he would throw me a curve ball. His  first curve ball to me was when he asked me why I touched  things twice. I never told him about that, so I knew my parents  must have told him. At first I gave him the same answer that I  gave my parents: "I don't know what you are talking about, I  don't do that". I was too ashamed to tell him about such  things. But somehow he had a way of making me feel comfortable about it. I would have never predicted it, but he  actually got me to talk. I told him about the energy left off by my finger and how I didn't want that energy to be lonely so I  would touch it again so there would be two energies. He didn't think it was weird, and I began to feel more comfortable  about telling him more things.

Another time he asked me about my pacing in the kitchen  (yet another thing that my parents blew the whistle about). I  told him about my nervous feelings. Eventually he got me to  talk about my parents fighting, and drinking, and other kids making fun of me. I opened up more about how I felt being put in an LD class. How I was embarrassed to walk into that class room when the other kids in the hall would go into their normal classes.

Another time he asked me if anybody ever touched me on my private parts, or did anything sexual with me. That was one thing that I could truthfully say no to (at least up to that point in my life).

Another time he asked me if I ever thought about killing myself. I told him "No not really, but I do think about going to heaven a lot". Then he asked me if I meant when I was an old man. "No" I replied, "I mean now". When he asked me why, I  simply told him that it would be fun.

I also told him about the concept of my blood being bad or inferior to other people. He asked me why I thought that and I replied "because I'm no good at sports or anything".

One time when I came in I had the urge to tell him about the baby birds that I watched get murdered by the two older boys, and about my pet snake that was killed by another older boy. I told him everything about both stories in full graphic detail describing the "blood and guts" aspect of it. I remember as I told him he was just looking at me with an almost blank expression. I remember telling the story in a blank, factual kind of way myself. But then he got up and told me to come over to him. I got up and walked up to him and he just started hugging me. As he did, he put his hand on the back of my head and petted my hair. He said that he was sorry I had to witness those things, and that those things should have never happened to me.

I was totally OK with what he was saying and doing up until he asked me one more question: "Tim are you lonely?"  I don't know why, but I just instantly started balling my eyes out. The more I felt his hand on my head, the more I cried. He started saying things like: I was a good kid, and a beautiful person.

I started blurting things out like "I'm lonely, nobody loves me, other kids make fun of me, I have fat lips". He just kept holding me and saying that I was loved and that the world is a better place with me here. He hugged me as I cried in his shirt for a long time. When I started calming down, I remember it reminding me of a storm passing.

He got me a tissue to blow my nose and a glass of water.  "That's the only thing wrong with you Tim" he said, "you're just a very lonely boy". Then he connected all the dots about why I did what I did. Why I touched things twice, why I talked to inanimate objects. By the end of the session I was so happy, I was almost giggly. I told him that I loved him and hugged him again. He told me that he loved me too. I truly felt like he did (even if he really didn't).

I only saw him a few more times after that. Those last times were more light-hearted sessions. He said that I needed to "try it on my own" for awhile. I thanked him on our last session. I did feel different after my big emotional breakdown with him. I felt more at ease for some reason. I stopped my nervous pacing. Maybe it was all from him, or maybe knowing that we were going to move back to St. Louis and start a whole new life. Whatever the reason, I felt better about myself. And whenever I started to get that feeling like I didn't belong, or was unwanted, I would think about how I felt when Doctor Thibodeau was hugging me with his hand on the back of my head. It would always warm me back up.

 

Hank

The next day when I was riding my bike, I saw Hank hanging out in his front yard. His mom was also outside talking to a neighbor across the street. I thought I would tell him about Teresa's lame answer, so I rode up and stopped my bike in front of him. "Hey what's up" I asked. Hank had a somewhat quiet personality about him and when he talked, he was very soft spoken.

"Nothing'" he replied.

"So Teresa told me no"

"I know" he replied smugly.

"Oh, how did you find out?"

"Robin and Brenda were talking' about it the other day"

"Oh" I replied as I looked down at the street for a moment.

"Don't feel bad, besides, who really needs a girlfriend anyway?" I looked at him and smiled.

"Wanna play some Whiffle ball?" I asked. I could tell that he wasn't in the mood.

"Na" he replied, "I got a better idea. Wanna play a board game?"

"OK sure."  I got off my bike and followed Hank into his house. I had never been inside his place before and the interior decorations were quite different from most of the homes in Spencer Creek. The walls were painted light green and the kitchen tiles looked dated which reminded me of an older house: an older house, lived in by older people. It was as if when they bought their new home, they told the builder that they wanted it to look old.  The funny thing about it was, their house was one of the latest built homes in the subdivision.

"Where is everyone else?" I asked.

"Pat and Tim are hanging out at a friends, and my dad's at work". Hank opened the foyer closet.

 Stacked neatly on the upper closet shelf, were tons of board games (most of which I had never heard of). "What do you want to play?" he asked.

I shrugged my shoulders. "I don't care"

"Well you gotta pick something"

"Really I don't care"

"Well then, pick between these two." He pointed to a couple of games: Clue, and Chance. But before I could make up my mind, he started quietly whispering "Clue, Clue, Clue," as if I wouldn't hear him, but secretly thats what he wanted me to pick. It was so stupidly obvious to me that he wanted to play Clue, I almost didn't want to answer him.

"Uh, how about Clue?" I asked.

"Oh right!" he responded with a enthusiastic kind of whisper. He grabbed the game and started heading up the stairs. I quietly followed him shaking my head because I suddenly didn't want to be stuck inside playing a stupid board game.

When we got into his bedroom, I was stunned by its size. When their house was built, they had all of the bedrooms extended out a good eight feet more than the original plans of that model house. And it made their bedrooms huge! "Wow! You got a huge bedroom" I said as I looked all around. He didn't seem to excited about it though. I noticed that Hank barely had enough furniture to make his room seem filled! He showed me around some. I looked in his closet and it too was huge (like a walk in closet): almost the size of a bathroom! "Man, you are so lucky!" I said. Hank went over to his bed where he had put the game down and started breaking it out. I sat on the other end of the bed as he put the board in between us.

"I don't really know how to play this game" I warned Hank.

"Don't worry, it's easy. I'll show you" he replied. I sat there watching him put together the game. I was kind of intrigued and kind of board at the same time. Finally the game was all set up and ready to go. Hank kicked off his shoes. "You should take off your shoes too," he said. I nonchalantly kicked off my shoes, dropping them to the floor along with Hank's. I figured he didn't want my shoes on his bed. He handed me a small pad of paper and a pencil. Already I thought this game was going to be more involved than I really wanted. He dealt some cards. I picked a token, and the game was underway.

"Now roll the dice" he said. I rolled it. "Now you can move forward or sideways". I moved my token forward. Then Hank started taking off his socks. "I like to get real comfortable, don't you?" he asked. I thought it was a bit unusual of a thing for him to do (or even suggest), but I pretended that it wasn't. I wondered if his feet were getting hot. Or was it some kind of weird, family comfy thing that they all did when they played board games on the bed? Whatever the reason, I didn't want him to feel odd
about it, so I nonchalantly copied him and took off my socks too. We sat barefoot on his bed as we played on a few more minutes. Hank explained the whole game to me as we played. I remember things he said such as "make a suggestion" and something about a weapon. I was only half heartedly into it. After playing a few minutes more, he stretched his arms and let out a sigh. I could tell that it was fake.

"Sometimes I like to take my shirt off, and get super comfortable." He looked at me. "So, do you want to?" he asked. At that moment I knew where this was going! And at that split second I had a
decision to make: was I or wasn't I going to go along with this. I instantly felt excited over the idea and wanted to do it.

"OK," I said as I shrugged my shoulders some. He started taking off his shirt and I copied him. We dropped our shirts to the floor and sat in front of each other shirtless. I started getting an erection in my pants. We played on but only for a minute or so before Hank's next proposal.

"Hey Tim," he whispered with a smile, "why don't we take off our jeans and hang out in our underwear?"

"OK" I said. Hank then stood up and started to unbutton his pants. I stood up and unbuttoned mine as he was pulling his down. I hesitated just a bit to first see if he had an erection too. He did, so I pulled mine down as he was stepping out of his. I stepped out of mine as Hank stood back up straight. I stood up straight and the two of us looked at each other. Our underwear both pointing straight out and up toward one another. At that point, we both knew that the charade of playing the board game was over!

He moved toward me and whispered. "So do you want to get naked Tim?" But when he whispered that question to me, I suddenly became afraid. My heart was beating harder, and I was breathing faster.

"What if your mom comes back in the house?" I asked.

"She won't."

"What about your brothers?"

Hank let out a small sigh. "I know them, nobody's coming home, Tim," he said very convincingly. I looked over at his closet.

"Well, OK, but only in there" I replied as I pointed to his closet.

Hank smiled. "Fine," he said as he started walking toward the closet. I followed him inside. He turned on the light and closed the door. Without saying a word he began to pull down his underwear. So I copied him. We both stood up straight and stared at each other, totally naked, totally hard. It was so exciting! I don't know what part excited me more: seeing another boy naked and aroused, or another boy seeing me naked and aroused! I remember every detail of his body. His frame was about like mine: skinny and prepubescent, only just slightly more bony then me. His nipples and navel were smaller than mine, his penis was a bit longer and it was shaped differently. Mine had a slight banana curve upward to it, where as his just stuck straight out. The head of his penis was larger (some call it a mushroom head) where as mine was just average. His ball sack seemed smaller and hid his testicles where as mine were easy to see.

"What do you want to do now Tim?" he asked.

"I don't know, got any suggestions?"

"We could wrestle"

"OK," I replied. We started getting closer to each other. He put his hands on my shoulders. I didn't know how to wrestle so I tried to copy him. As I did, he took me down to the floor and before I knew it we were rolling all around. He was very aggressive and I didn't expect that from such a mild mannered boy. I remember seeing our naked bodies from all kinds of personal viewpoints and positions. I could even smell our bodies as we both struggled all around. As far as wrestling was concerned, I really didn't know what I was doing. He tried to force me to my back. When he did, our erections touched for a second. He grabbed one of my legs and tried to pull it up, forcing my shoulders down. We were both sweaty under our arms, and breathing heavy. His hand brushed over my penis for a second and then he became even more aggressive. It almost seemed like he was trying to murder me! I started getting a bit freaked out by it. Then we finally broke apart. "Time out" I said out of breath. We both sat there catching our breath for a few seconds. It seemed almost bizarre for us both to be sitting there on the closet floor with such full, obvious erections in front of each other. Much more bizarre then when we were first standing up and facing each other.

"Your not very good at wrestling are you," he said, "Wanna do anything else?". At this point I felt pretty uninhibited about everything.

"Well, do you wanna' feel each others?" I asked.

"OK" he replied. I quickly stood back up. Hank smiled and as he stood too. Then we approached each other again. But this time instead of Hank grabbing my shoulders, he put his hand right around my penis. It was the first time in my life that another human being touched it like that. It felt incredible: like lightning shooting through my body. I put my hand around his. I never felt another boy's penis before. It felt so warm, hard, and smooth all at the same time. It felt like it was alive. I could feel it twitching and moving, almost breathing. I knew Hank could feel the same sensations coming from mine as well. We just quietly looked down at what we were doing. Only the sounds of our breathing and touching could be heard. He squeezed it harder and moved his hand all over it. I copied him and squeezed him harder too. At times, he was quite rough on it and I wanted to tell him to go easier, but I didn't say anything. Then he reached down lower and grabbed my balls. So I grabbed his. I couldn't feel his balls, just his sack. As he squeezed mine together and I jumped. "Sorry" he whispered.

Then he continued, more gently. At one point, he started tugging and squeezing my penis again so I grabbed his too. He became rougher and rougher with his fondling. "Not so hard" I finally whispered.

"Sorry" he whispered back. While we were doing this, I felt his other hand moving all over my back and shoulders. Of course, I copied him. We looked up at each other. I felt like we were suppose to kiss at that moment. I could tell that he thought it too. But we didn't. Instead, we just looked back down at what we were doing to each other. Eventually, the fondling died down more and more until we both finally took our hands off of each other. And with that it was over. "We should get dressed before someone comes home," I whispered. He agreed and we both put our underwear back on. We came out of his closet and simply started dressing. I looked at his underwear and could tell that he was loosing his erection, as I was. Neither one of us said a word. I remember looking at the barely started board game on the bed as I pulled up my jeans and buttoned them.

When we were totally dressed, I spoke. "Well, I should be going now".

"OK," he replied. Hank opened his bedroom door, and I followed him down the stairs to the front porch.

"See ya later Tim," he said standing in the doorway.

"See ya," I replied as I walked toward my bike. He closed the door and I got back on my bike and slowly rode off.

 As I rode off, I didn't give what we had done too much thought. I always knew it was bound to happen with somebody sometime. And now it did. It was both awesome, and no big deal to me at the same time.

I went home and watched TV for awhile. As I sat there, I started to feel happy inside. The images and smells of Hanks body were still all over me. I liked it.  "Wow, that was cool" I thought, "I wonder if we'll do it again?" I hoped so. It was so exciting when it happened. Exciting and naughty: a wonderful combination to me.

After supper I took a shower. While washing, I looked down at my penis and noticed that the foreskin (where I was circumcised) looked a bit swollen. I examined it as it got slightly hard. When it did, it kind of ached like it was sore. It was the only thing that made me feel just a bit guilty: like I abused my penis by letting some other kid fool around with it. I thought to myself that if I was going to do that again with Hank, he would have to be much more gentle with me. I also remember thinking that it was kind of weird how I could be so rough with myself at times, and it never once got sore, but when Hank did it, it was quite sore. Nevertheless I was in a completely happy mood. I liked what we had done and enjoyed thinking about it.

Later that evening (around 9 PM) Our family was hanging out in the living room as usual, when surprisingly, the doorbell rang. "Wow, who could that be" I said as I jumped up to answer. When I opened the door, there stood Hank with his father. I felt my heart stop and my face turn pale. "Oh my god, he told his dad" I thought!

But before I could get anymore freaked out, Hank spoke. "We're going to Dairy Queen and I wondered if you would want to come along with us," he said with a smile. I felt the blood come back to my face and breathed a sigh of relief.

"Just a minute," I replied excitedly. I ran into the living room leaving Hank and his dad at our open front door. "Hey Dad, can I go with Hank's family to Dairy Queen?"

"Sure go on," he said. I ran back to the front door.

"Let's go," I said. And with that, I hopped in their back seat with Hank's two younger brothers and we all took off to Dairy Queen! The Dairy Queen was a good twenty minutes away and during that time Tim and I explained to his dad how I am Tim One (since I was born first) and he was Tim Two.        
When we finally got there, Hanks dad bought us all ice cream cones and we all sat around a table laughing and kidding while we ate our ice cream. At one point, as I sat there, it started to dawn on me: Hank never invited me to Dairy Queen before. He must have done that only because he got worried that I might tell my parents what we had done. After all, he didn't really know me all that well, and I was very quiet when I left his house. He was trying to "normal" everything out! He needed to know that everything was OK with me! And it was. And he could tell by watching me at that moment. Everything was fine! I remember just sitting there innocently licking my ice cream, watching Hanks little brothers joke around, then looking over at Hank a bit and thinking about our dirty little awesome secret! I smiled ever so innocently and he smiled back.